Heavy
They talk about the hard days and try to romanticize them but that’s never been my thing. I don’t like to talk about it because honestly they are crippling. That feeling of not wanting to get out of bed because the weight of everything you are holding is crushing your chest, it physically hurts.
“It gets better”
It’s true, it does… but today it isn’t, today it’s really hard and that is OK.
A lot of times you won’t realize you are in a high until suddenly you find yourself very far down
I will spend days, weeks, sometimes months riding out a “low” season.
You won’t always recognize it right away and in part that’s because all we know how to do is wake up, go through the motions, sleep, repeat. If I go silent for a few days you will likely assume I’m busy. Which is the case, I’m just busy carrying around whatever it is in this season that’s weighing me down. Today, I’m here to remind myself that it’s okay if you’re simply worn out, and having a day. If you also needed the same reminder, I’m here to tell you too.
Sometimes we can’t always show up in the way we had hoped. Sometimes we can’t quite get the words out because our souls are quiet and our mind is exhausted. Depression and anxiety are not rational. They do not respond to “I have so much to be grateful for” or “someone always has it worse” It took me a long time to come to terms with and understand that. Overtime, the things we push deeper down in hopes we can ignore them, will only resurface; Not slowly, but all at once. So we lay down and maybe it feels less heavy, that’s ok.
It’s ok if your body is tired and your soul feels a bit empty. You never have to feel guilty for having a hard day, you never have to feel guilty for the way you choose to show up for yourself.
I don’t always have the answers but what I do know is that there will be days where you wake up and it all feels a bit lighter and more manageable. Be gentle with yourself because the world won’t be. Maybe brushing your hair and doing your makeup made you feel just that much more capable; I’m here to say that’s ok, because today that was me.
In the space that feels heavy and my soul feels empty, I’ve learned to fill with the things that make me happy. If today that was coffee and feeling the sun then that’s what I’ll do. If tomorrow that’s putting on sweatpants and reading a book, that's what I’ll do. Eventually, the days feel a little lighter and you’ll find yourself somewhere back in between the highs and the lows. My hope for you is that you can spend your time there, being present remembering who you are.
And for the days that come and the light isn’t so bright, may you always look for the sun because I promise it’s coming, just give yourself a little grace.